Today was just another one of those days. The kind of day where I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to interact with anybody. I don’t want to see anybody. I don’t want to talk to anybody. I don’t want to be around anybody. I just want to be left alone. I want to crawl back into bed, put the blankets over my head and sleep. I want to sleep. I want to take a mommy time out. I wish time could pause for, like, a week. Does anyone else ever feel this way??
It was Just another one of those days
I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression back in August. It was actually really funny when the case manager told me the results of my little “psych” test… she was like.. “well who can blame you?! you have twins in the NICU!!! hahahaha” … I remember I sat there… having just finished crying hysterically, and the only thought in my head was, ‘she’s laughing… this lady is laughing at me’….
….and that’s how I was diagnosed with post partum depression…with someone laughing at me. Maybe she wasn’t laughing AT me. But she was laughing because OF me. I wanted to strangle her right there in that room. All the anger I had at the doctors.. at my situation.. then to be shuffled into this 8 x 10 foot meeting room, just to be sat in the corner and laughed at… I was angry.
I’m STILL angry. I’m angry today. I’m angry right now. And I don’t really know why. I’m sad. I’m annoyed and irritable…at everything and towards everybody. There are people that want to help us.. people that want to help me… and I just want to be left alone. I don’t want anybody’s help. I don’t want anyone’s advice. I don’t want people looking at me.. or talking to me.. just let me be. Let me be silent. Let me sit on the couch all day and do nothing. Let me sleep. Let me eat. Let me drink. Let me be without asking me questions. Let me be without wondering if I’m okay. Let me be!
That’s not me. That’s not who I am. That’s not how I am. I pray. I pray for God to get me out of this. I pray for God to give me the strength to get me past this day. Get me past feeling like this. Get me moving forward and feeling better. I am normally a “people person”. I like going out and having fun. I like going out with friends. I have always been the party planner. Birthdays, Girls nights out, Girls night in, play dates and slumber parties. I plan those. I have those. I love those.
I pray one day God can get me out of this depression. I know there is a lesson in everything He has for me. I just pray for strength. I pray to just get through it. I don’t need doctors or medication. I just need God!
My family needs me. My babies need me.
If you’re going through depression… you’re not alone. Please share your thoughts. I’m here for you and I know you are here for me.
Angelina Castleberry writes on her blog All the Days the Lord has Made 4 Me. You can find an issue close to her heart at Made for a Miracle, a website for a group dedicated to helping families through the NICU journey with prayers and support.